Good evening. You’re
watching The Ripple Effect News and World Report for this, the 29th
day of March 2020. I’m Penfold and
tonight we feature reporting on what is shaping up to be the greatest
mystery/spectacle of this or any century.
I speak of course of the ever evolving situation surrounding what has
been dubbed ‘The Ship Of Gold’.
Two days ago, off the coast of Northern California, a strange vessel
appeared slowly heading south. This
vessel is roughly a third the size of a modern super-tanker and is shaped like
a box with no discernable windows. Despite
repeated attempts from both the Coast Guard and the Navy no one has been able
to communicate with whoever is piloting the alien craft. Observers named the craft ‘The Ship Of Gold’
thanks to what appears to be golden inlays spread across it’s entire surface.
Yesterday around 11:30 AM ‘The Ship Of Gold’ abruptly
changed course. Near the center of the
King Range National Conservation Area the ship turned directly towards the
shore. Our military vessels escorting
the alien ship remained on high alert but did not fire upon the alien
craft. Amazingly ‘The Ship Of Gold’
beached itself at 9:22 PM. The craft
appears undamaged yet it has not moved since.
A protective perimeter was quickly established around the alien craft
and we…what’s that?
I’m being told that we are going live to the site of ‘The
Ship Of Gold’ where our camera crew is capturing footage of the front of the
ship opening! Yes! It is opening! I can see movement inside the vessel! Ladies and gentlemen, there are beings coming
out of the ship into the light. If you
cannot see the screen I shall describe them for you.
Is that…? Yes it
looks like a group of yeti, more commonly known as Bigfoot. Bizarrely the five…I’m going to say men based
off the armor plating they wear, are all riding what appear to be massive
elephants. They are slowly approaching
the perimeter…and they’ve stopped. The
lead yeti appears to want to speak with the nearest soldier. We have a microphone pickup nearby so let’s
listen in.
“Are you the soapmakers?”
“You speak English?”
“Yes. Are you the
soapmakers?”
“No. I’m Captain Mc…”
“Sorry to interrupt but we are actually in a bit of a
hurry. So, you’re not the soapmakers
then?”
“No. I’m Capt…”
“Right. Apologies for
troubling you all. We’ll be going
now. Have a lovely day.”
This is Penfold again viewers. The yeti have turned their elephants around
and gone back into ‘The Ship Of Gold’.
The portal into the ship has closed and ‘The Ship Of Gold’ is moving
back to sea. Perhaps it’s going to…no,
it’s just vanished.
Well, it appears we have some time to fill. Here’s Andy with the weather.
Waveriders, waveriders, waveriders. What can I possibly write about Clutch’s The Elephant Riders that has not been written several times already
in the years since it was released? Was
I able to gain an exclusive interview with the band members who revealed
secrets surrounding the album’s recording?
Have I experimented with newly invented scientific instruments which discovered
a previously hidden code within the music?
Perhaps I listened to this album while inhabiting a different plane of
existence? No. The answer to all three questions is no.
So what exactly can I add?
How about enthusiasm? I was a
late entrant into Clutch
fandom. Many years ago I had read and
heard many recommendations that I listen to Clutch but never took the plunge.
Then I saw the band open for System
Of A Down in 2002. Clutch was great! They played a song with lyrics about the
movie Clash Of The Titans. I was
sold! Shortly after that concert I
bought a copy of Clutch’s full
length debut album, Transnational
Speedway League and…outside of “A Shogun Named Marcus” I bounced off of it
pretty hard. It wasn’t what I was
expecting/wanting to hear.
Fast forward to 2007 when for reasons I can’t remember I
bought a copy of From Beale Street To
Oblivion. Holy **** that album hit
me like a ton of bricks! To this day it
is my favorite Clutch album, and was
the sole reason I bought every Clutch album
I could get my hands on from that point forward. One of those albums happened to be The Elephant Riders. If not for From Beale Street, The
Elephant Riders would be my favorite Clutch
release.
In my opinion this album represents when the band directly
hit upon the formula that would endlessly please my ears right up to present
day. Much of the abrasiveness of Transnational… had been scrubbed away
and unlike the self-titled album that preceded it The Elephant Riders demonstrated a band willing to stretch their
sonic footprint to parts unknown in the service of an all-encompassing
groove. Of course the sheer number of
mega, ultra, colossal riffs on display help the cause too! Seriously, from the album opening title track
all the way through to “The Dragonfly” there is a cornucopia of brain melting, neck
snapping, involuntarily foot stomping riffs.
Fast or slow, they do…not…stop.
Special mention must go out to Neil Fallon for his lyrical
content. Fantastical lyrics are a Clutch hallmark, but I particularly
enjoy the tales woven through The
Elephant Riders. You have the fever
dream that is “Muchas Veces”, the use of recycling to promote domesticity in
“Green Buckets”, the bewildered explorer in “The Yeti”, and the endlessly
unlucky narrator from “Wishbone” to name a few.
My friends, if you’re reading this and you haven’t yet
discovered the magnificence of Clutch then
stop what you’re doing and listen to this album immediately! On the other hand if you’re a longtime fan of
this band maybe it’s time to revisit this gem.
Either way The Elephant Riders
is primed and ready to help you forget your worries for a time.
-Penfold
P.S.: I forgot to mention that TER also holds the distinction of being the only CD I own that has
a sticker on the front of the case warning the listener, “Heavy, Lift With
Caution”.
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