Instructions on the proper behavior when confronted by a
member of the Church
Of The Motherf***ers:
1) Take a deep breath.
Take two. You'll need them.
2) Regardless of who speaks first, the church member will
always begin by stating that Bela Lugosi's Dead. Do not be alarmed. This event transpired long ago and is
irrelevant information.
3) VERY IMPORTANT!
Hearing the acolyte speak will trigger your gag reflex. Fight the urge to vomit. It is what they want. If you are unsuccessful in preventing the expulsion
of vomit see 3a below.
3a) DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE accept the church disciple's
offer of his/her shillelagh. These
objects contain no spiritual healing properties as they would have you believe. The fiend's goal is to judiciously apply his
club to your head rendering you unconscious.
4) At this point the church adherent will inform you that it
is his/her sacred duty to escort you to the nearest Obedience School. There you will be taught all the tenets of
the Church Of The Motherf***ers. Refuse to accompany him/her.
5) Inevitably the zealot will present you with a 'Seizure
And Desist' order. This document is
designed to look like an arrest warrant or subpoena. You may accept this paperwork if you wish. Unlike the offer of the shillelagh, no
violence will be brought about from your acceptance of this non-binding
document.
6) The church member will once again try to convince you
that you must accompany him/her to Obedience
School. The most effective method of refusal is to
inform the acolyte, using these exact words, that "the Future has been
canceled".
7) Veteran partisans will cut their losses at this point and
move on. The less experienced devotees
will likely become visibly upset and yell the phrase "grave slave" at
you, believing this to be an insult that will anger you. Show no emotion.
8) Unfortunately these people are idiopathic. You can't help them. What you can do is end the unwanted
conversation once and for all by informing the church member that everything they
believe in is divine filth.
Well done! You won't
be hearing from that person again.
Good day waveriders! Today
I have the equivalent of a slam dunk recommendation. I'm supremely confident that many of you
reading this know about and are already fans of uber-vocalist Mike Patton. Well, wouldn't you know it? He's part of new group called Dead Cross and they recently released
their self-titled debut album.
After listening to the album multiple times I was extremely surprised
to find out that Mike Patton was not the original vocalist for the band. Dead
Cross is the brainchild of Dave Lombardo of Slayer fame, Justin Pearson,
and Mike Crain of Retox. The group
initially formed with Gabe Serbian from The Locust as their singer. After the self-titled record had been
recorded the group decided not to release it and asked Mr. Patton if he would
like to front the band. He accepted and
proceeded to record all new vocals over the same instrumental tracks.
So what does Dead
Cross sound like you ask? Extrapolating
off the resumes of each member this is unsurprisingly an absurdly aggressive
album. The music is best described as crossover
thrash but there is some variety on offer.
Some tracks like "Idiopathic" and "Shillelagh" lean
heavily on the hardcore punk sound, while others like "Divine Filth"
and "The Future Has Been Cancelled" fall more in line with thrash
metal. Of course there are a couple of
screwball experiments thrown in for good measure as well like the Bauhaus cover
"Bela Lugosi's Dead". The resultant
album is flat out awesome!
Waveriders if you require an adrenaline shot of musical
aggression in your diet look no further than the self-titled debut album from Dead Cross. The propulsive mix of hardcore punk and
thrash metal sounds vital and the vocal versatility provided by Mike Patton
makes the proceedings significantly more interesting. Don't think about it. Just buy your copy today.
-Penfold
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