“Hello there friend. My name is Penfold. You might remember me from such films as…wait…I haven’t been in any. Well, you might remember me from such sparkling write ups as…okay, you’ve probably not seen any of those either. You know what? That’s okay! This isn’t about me. We’re going to be focusing on you right now. I’m here to help you through whatever relationship problem you’re experiencing at the present time by providing you with my expert advice and guidance. You see, I’ve recently discovered the solution to all relationship problems. That’s right! And I’m going to share that secret with you my friend. So get ready, because here it comes!”
“Over the next few minutes I’m going to demonstrate four relationship-related scenarios with the help of a few of my friends. There will be a common thread running through each of them. Let’s see if you can spot what that thread is.”
Scenario One: The Lead Up
“Hey Penfold, where are we going?”
“We’re going to the most popular night club in the city. It’s always packed, so it should definitely be a target rich environment.”
“Awesome! Hey man, I need to get psyched up for this. I need something that will boost my confidence and energize me at the same time. Put on some tunes!”
“I know just the thing. This is the new Torche album, Songs For Singles.”
“Sweet!”
Scenario Two: After the Crushing Blow
“Penfold, why are you crying?”
“It’s over man! She left me.”
“Oh jeez, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible.”
“I know. This is the worst day of my life!”
“Hey listen; I’ve got something here that will cheer you right up.”
“I sincerely doubt it.”
“No seriously, I know how much you like your music.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Soooo…this is the new Torche album, Songs For Singles, and with one listen it’s going to turn your whole day around!”
Scenario Three: The Decider
“Hey babe, welcome home. How was your day?”
“Hey Penfold. Eh, my day was fine. Same as all the others I suppose. So what have you been up to?”
“Oh, not much. I’ve been hunkered down writing for most of the day.”
“Ah, I should have known. Say babe, what are you listening to over there?”
“This? This is Songs For Singles, the new album from Torche. Good, huh?”
“Babe, I have to tell you. You have the worst taste in music of anyone I’ve ever known.”
“You know…this really isn’t working out. I’m out of here. Have a nice life.”
Scenario Four: Fireworks
“Yep, here we are Mr. Penfold. This is the last available copy of Torche’s new album Songs For Singles in the entire city.”
“Thanks.” The sales clerk leaves and another party approaches. They happen to be very attractive.
“Oh shoot, is that the last one?”
“I’m afraid so ma’am.”
“Dangit! I love that band and I’ve looked everywhere for this album!”
“You like Torche?”
“Of course!? They rock! Don’t you think so?”
“I do indeed! Tell you what. If I can have your phone number, I’ll gladly let you have this album.”
“You drive a hard bargain, but I like your style…done. What’s your name?” Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner!
All right waveriders. It’s time to get serious. If you could not have guessed, I like Torche. I like Torche…a lot. I’ve been following this band for quite a few years now. They made a gigantic initial impression on me when I witnessed their ferocious live show. Needless to say I left that show with their first album in tow, and my appreciation for the band’s music has grown by leaps and bounds ever since. To put it succinctly, Torche serves as my brain’s musical reset button. Whenever I have befuddled my musical consciousness under a mountainous heap of undesirables, all I have to do is put on a Torche album and the world is right once again. So what type of music holds this kind of sway over my mind? Let me to try to explain.
You see, it is a bit difficult to adequately describe this group thanks to their musical approach. I’m sure there are many people out there who can tell you that Torche sounds like one band or another, but try as I might I simply don’t have that ability. Torche sounds like Torche, plain and simple. These gentlemen play an invigorating combination of stoner rock, sludge metal, and pop that in my experience is entirely their own. For further clarification I’m going to lift a couple of choice quotes I’ve run across that I think will be helpful. Revolver magazine states, “At long last, we know what life would be like in a parallel universe where The Melvins became a pop sensation”. And a sticker on the front of Songs For Singles finds the bass player, Jonathan Nunez, reflecting, “It’s a bunch of radio rock bullshit”. Yeah right, if only! I might actually listen to commercial radio if that was the case.
Songs For Singles is Torche’s third full length album. It comes at the listener fast, furious, and melodious. While it is the band’s most ear-pleasingly poppy release to date, make no mistake waveriders, this band is as heavy as a pallet of gold bricks and as solid as a blacksmith’s anvil. To their credit, the immense amount of rock goes down extremely easily behind the clean singing and hummable riffs. Discerning shoppers may look at the length of this album, just under twenty two minutes, and question whether or not it offers enough substance to justify its cost. Rest assured. The answer is a resounding YES! All eight songs run rampant from the speakers, leveling all that dare to stand before them in defiance of their rock. My personal favorites are pulsating album opener “UFO”, rheumatologist friendly “Hideaway”, and sonically uplifting “Cast Into Unkown”. Oops, looks like we’ve reached the conclusion of the tape.
“So there you have it my friend. This album, Songs For Singles by Torche, is the answer you have been waiting for! We’ve demonstrated exactly how you can use this music to begin, end, or recover from a relationship. Now it’s up to you to put what you’ve learned to good use. I wish you luck! But seriously; with this album and my patented techniques, who needs luck?”
--Penfold
buy here: Songs For Singles
Comments
Your woman calls you Penfold? Cooooool.
You know, I've never really listened to Torche, despite all the hype. I've heard Floor (don't they share members?);I guess I'll have to check this one out. I do enjoy poppy sludge metal, which I'm imagining like Red Fang.
"Hey babe? From now on call me Horn at all times.
"Babe...?"
And yes, Torche was formed from the ashes of Floor. They do indeed share members. From what little I've heard of Floor, Torche is a natural poppier extension of what they were doing late in their existence. But I can only validate that based upon hearing a few songs so...yeah. Torche totally rocks though!